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And now for some real shit...

Posted 09-19-2011 at 01:23 PM by sai tyrus

I figured I'd deviate from the norm and post some real shit for once.

Of late, I've come to realize two things.

1. I may have some form of post-traumatic stress disorder.

2. I probably have some form of depression.

Let's address item 1. I'm a nurse. I've been doing this for about five years. I've worked ICU for the past three, with a focus on Surgical Oncology over the past year. My biggest issue (among the many) I have regarding what I do is that I see people die. A LOT. When I started off, I had some issues with it. Then I got to a point where I was able to compartmentalize it, and keep work in a separate box from my personal life.

But of late it's gotten pretty hard for me. It's horrible to bust your ass to save someone's life, only to see them die. Or to deal with the grief of patients and families. It wears on you. I didn't realize how much it was wearing on me until the other night when I was going over work with my wife. I just broke down and started crying. There was this huge outpouring of emotion that I didn't even know I had inside of me. It felt good to let it out.

I've been very unappreciative of my career many times. It wasn't what I wanted to do with my life. But here I am. And there's lots of opportunities. More than anything though, it allowed me to meet the amazing woman I have as my wife.

On the PTSD thing, it's funny, because I used to think such a thing could only happen to soldiers. I've been blessed not to be under the stress our service men and women may experience. I'm glad there are people out there to shoulder that burden. I wouldn't say what I experience is even in the same category. But I can tell you, it's weary-some and sad.

Interestingly, I've felt a strong drive to go into palliative care. At times, I wonder if that's what I really need when all the death I've seen has weighed heavy on me. But I think it'll be okay. Palliatve care/hospice is about making people comfortable.

The second item is something I've struggled with most of my life. Until I became a nurse, I took the Tom Cruise approach and thought depression was bullshit. But it's a very real thing.

If I have it, it's a mild form. But it's enough of an issue where I think I need medication. The funny thing is, despite being a nurse and knowing it's okay to seek help, I've had an aversion to it. I don't know why.

Maybe it's because in many states, if someone thinks you really need help, you can be committed. Your individual freedom can be taken away from you solely based on another person's clinical opinion. That's fucked up. And it's scary that such a thing can occur in "the land of the free." So maybe that's part of it. But I've come to realize I need help.

Fortunately, I have an awesome wife, loving stepson and supportive family. I never would have gotten to this point of understanding if it weren't for my wife. Anyhoo, that's the rant. I guess the point of this is, if you're like me, it's okay to ask for help. You're not alone.
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  1. Old Comment
    Agnostic Pope's Avatar
    I suffer from depression myself and the best way to overcome it is not to overthink much. I know this advice doesn't sound like much but it has kept me from doing things I would have regretted.
    Posted 09-24-2011 at 11:27 AM by Agnostic Pope Agnostic Pope is offline
  2. Old Comment
    sai tyrus's Avatar
    Thanks for the tip man! Starting going to therapy. We'll see if I need medication, but at least I've finally decided to go on and get help. Took me forever to get to that point.
    Posted 09-24-2011 at 01:23 PM by sai tyrus sai tyrus is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Agnostic Pope's Avatar
    Make sure you get help but don't get brainwashed...
    Posted 10-01-2011 at 06:15 PM by Agnostic Pope Agnostic Pope is offline
  4. Old Comment
    sai tyrus's Avatar
    Yeah, I won't. Thanks though. Seeing people day in and out that have psych issues gives you a good sens of the good and the bad as far as "help" is concerned. Been so afraid to get help for a long time because I've seen some stupid things.
    Posted 10-01-2011 at 11:38 PM by sai tyrus sai tyrus is offline
 

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