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Posted 06-17-2010 at 07:35 PM by Agnostic Pope

Things the iPad can't do

* It can't run two programs at once.
* It can't be used to type documents, as there is no keyboard.
* It can't play 99% of internet videos or animated graphics because Apple still won't allow Flash (this, however, doesn't stop them from false advertising).
* It can't be used in any sunlight and the slightest bit that touches the screen will permanently ruin it (so much for being the "Kindle killer").
* It doesn't have a camera, so it is of no use to camwhores.
* It doesn't support stylus input, so it is of no use to the Photoshop artfags who will inevitably buy it. Screw that, it can't even run Photoshop!
* It doesn't support SD expandable memory, so you're stuck with it's 16GB storage unless you want to get reamed an extra $100/200 for the 32 or 64GB models.
* It can't be used for presentations because there's no HDMI/VGA.
* It can't be used to plug in any of your USB devices like your USB vibrating dildo.
* It won't support Picasa and it probably won't support any other Google products because the Macfags are trying to start shit with Google.
* It can't right click.
* You can't change out the battery.
* It can't touch water, milk, blood, sweet, tears, piss, shit, cum, or any cleaning product like alcohol, ammonia, or soap.
* It can't be tethered to your iPhone. So hang yourself with the cable.
* It won't alleviate that PWNed feeling you'll have when its replacement comes out in four months. Or when a better Droid clone comes out in six. Or when you realize that most laptops do more for less money right now.
* It won't let you share content.
* It won't feed a family in Haiti.
* It won't stop AT&T from raping you each month.
* It won't pay for the coffee at Starbucks you'll buy attempting to avoid AT&T rape by using their free WiFi.
* It won't prevent laptop users from rolling their eyes and snickering when you whip this lame toy out in front of them.
* It doesn't support voice recording.
* It won't cure Steve Jobs' AIDS.
* You can't take it to Israel.[1] But why the hell would you do that...you damn dirty Jew!
* You can't fuck it. (that's what you wanted to do with it, right?).
* It won't get you laid.
* It won't pick up chicks.
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